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If parents are the key to the future, what do they need?

Divonne Holmes a CourtBy Divonne Holmes à Court  

One of the most significant events of Kevin Rudd's term in office so far has been the recent 2020 Summit in Canberra. Over a busy two days, hundreds of people spent time together to discuss the best ideas and solutions for our country's future. Some ideas were smarter than others, but one of the most interesting themes to emerge was around prevention. We're all aware that acting now helps avoiding problems later - the 2020 summit discussed that investing in prevention today has a much better long term payoff than waiting for the problem to occur down the line and then trying to cure it.

But looking ahead to the future is hard and planning for it can be even harder. I only started thinking about the future when I became a parent for the first time.

Parents are put under considerable pressure to shoulder the burden of the country's future and they are given a lot of flak when things go wrong. However, we're not doing enough to equip them with the best information to make parenting a little easier and a little less stressful.

Information is a very powerful thing but in today's age of information overload, the quality of information is what differentiates the helpful from the time-wasting or even damaging.

In my view, ‘quality information' has several important obligations: firstly, can the reader trust it and understand it and then, secondly, apply it in practical terms to their own individual circumstances?

Here is an example of how, without an understanding of the reasons and purposes behind simple advice, information can get misinterpreted and misunderstood. 

Self-esteem is one of the key characteristics that parents are told their children need to have. So, as devoted parents, this is something we strive to give them. But, it's easier said than done. Kids actually have to earn self-esteem on their own by overcoming hurdles and challenges, according to one of the world's leading experts on self-esteem and optimism, Dr. Martin Seligman. It actually doesn't work if you just give it to them.

Telling a parent, ‘you have to make sure you promote your child's self-esteem' doesn't really cut it. So what does this all mean to a parent? The more parents can understand the reasons behind the advice and how it works, the better they can interpret advice for their individual circumstances. To make this happen may take a slightly bigger investment of time in the beginning, but it will pay off enormously in the long run.

Here is an example of the mechanics behind the advice:

If a child can make sense of their first little world (their family and mini-community), feel safe and be OK about themselves, then they can move on to the next level of thinking: namely, problem-solving.  Becoming good at problem-solving also gives them confidence and resilience as they get older when the pressures of life or peers can get them down. And to learn problem-solving, all they need is: (1) exposure to some appropriate challenges, (2) some space to solve them, and (3) logical results. That is one of the basic building blocks of learning.  

Parents are hungry to learn these types of things, because, when all is said and done, they really want what's best for their children. Parents also know intuitively what's best for their children is also best for them and, fundamentally, for the future of the country.

Divonne Holmes à Court is executive director of www.raisingchildren.net.au - the Australian parenting information web site. She is also the mother of two sets of twins - boys aged eight and four-year-old girls and is an active supporter of making early childhood and education research available to parents.

Comments

Permission to ask for help

It's hard to deal with these issues at the moment and not think of that terrible tragedy in Brisbane. For better or for worse we're not a culture where parenting is valued, or where families are celebrated in any real sense. There's a bit of lip service here and there to the importance of family - but it's hard to see where it makes any practical difference.

We like happy parents and clean healthy kids, any deviation from this is seen and judged as a failure, and almost invariably judged to be the mother's fault. But if we weren't quite so critical, if we weren't so insistent that the image of the perfect, successful parent need be maintained, perhaps there would be more of a chance for parents to throw up their arms and ask for help when they need it.

I'm sure there are now thousands of mothers, neighbours, helpers, well wishers, empty nesters and so on who wish that poor mum Brisbane had asked for help. Who wish that she had had someone to go to to say, please come and help me in that mad time around dinner - when everyone's frazzeled, dirty, tired and hungry. Please come in the morning and help me get the kids ready for school, and go for a walk to the park. Please come and watch the kids so I can go and get some exercise, or have a quiet bath and recover. Kids were never supposed to be raised by one person, or two people - they are supposed to be raised by whole extended families, suburbs and communities. And it's just so important that those communities are places where kids can turn up and have snotty noses, and make noise and have their t-shirts hanging out, without their mums (or dads) feeling the sting of alienation. A place where mums in all their post-natal shapes and sizes can feel beautiful and valued.

Being a mum isn't easy - it never was easy. It's inspiring, and exhausting, exhilarating and lots of fun, but it's not easy.

And if only we could find more ways to genuinely express our gratitude to mums and dads of all shapes and sizes, colours and credos then perhaps parenting wouldn't feel so terribly terribly lonely, and perhaps those parents out there at the moment, who really need to reach out and say "I'm not coping", will actually do it.

Raisingchildren.net.au is a wonderful place to start, but so is your neighbourhood. I can guarantee as we're reading this that there are at least a hundred mums who right at this moment feel they are at the end of their teather, there are a hundred dad's feeling lonely and crowded out of their homes, and there are as many kids who are in danger as a result of their parents emotional isolation.

Help could be as simple as a pat on the back, as old fashioned as a casserole or as welcome as an offer to babysit. Right now I couldn't think of anything more important than reaching out other parents around us, if for no other reason than to remind them that they're not alone.

Every child wins a prize.

I am not a parent.

But I am very interested in the issues raised about self-esteem in Divonne's blog. Particularly the point that:

"It actually doesn't work if you just give it to them".

Recently at a sixth birthday party I tried to help my Super-Mum friend by offering to officiate pass-the-parcel. I didn't realise this party game had evolved in to an excercise in validating "self-esteem".

Each layer contained a prize. Layers were surreptitiously colour coded for boys & girls. The idea was to rigg the game accordingly.

I stuffed this up monumentally.

Soon, little boys were crying because they'd won a necklace, whilst little girls were pouting at their new rubber snake.

By games end one child was abusing his mother because he got nothing, "so unfair". Nearby another kid, who looked remarkably similar to him, was boasting he was "the best" because he had won two prizes.

It was an awful feeling, being a killjoy at a sixth birthday party. Imagine revealing the awful truth to these poor innocents that you don't always win & life isn't fair. Shouldn't they already know that by their age?

There is a trend whereby parents have been duped in to thinking that in order to encourage their children's self-esteem they need to always let them win & get what they want. This, though well intentioned, can only lead to dissappointment.

Surely a healthy self-esteem needs to be capable of having a go, failing, then having another go.

I wholeheartedly agree with the comments above about parents needing more community support. Just be sure you understand the rules before offering to assist.