Mister Ed

One of the necessary accompaniments of capitalism in a democracy is political corruption

– Upton Sinclair

The recent appointment of Angus Taylor as opposition leader coincides with the forthcoming Chinese Lunar New Year of the Horse. Indeed, the convivial and intrepid cavalier was born on 30^th September 1966, which explicitly matches with the energetic and dynamic fire or red horse. Additional features include a volatile, impulsive and impatient temperament with a recalcitrant streak. During an interview at the beginning of his parliamentary career the former McKinsey & Co acolyte proclaimed he detested fart-arsing around and concentrated on getting things done to expedite delivery.

Many of these equine mannerisms and chthonic traits are redolent of Harry the Horse in Damon Runyon’s classic short stories. The fictional character also appeared in the iconic Broadway musical Guys and Dolls as an astute gambler and vespertine crook amidst Manhattan’s amoral netherworld. The articulate member for Hume is reminiscent of a loquacious SP bookie and is always elegantly attired but must use the same brand of suntan lotion as Agent Orange and Barrie Cassidy, the former ABC Insiders host.

Tweedledum

During his tenure as Scott Morrison’s energy minister a major scandal emerged over the controversial $80 million taxpayer funded water buyback scheme throughout Australia’s Murray-Darling basin. It involved an enigmatic limited tender process and extremely lucrative entrepreneurial deals between several crepuscular and colourful racing identities.

Eastern Australia Agriculture received the payment and most of its $52 million profit was inexplicably transferred to its parent company Eastern Australia Irrigation, which was registered in the Cayman Islands, a notorious offshore tax haven. The company’s co-founder and original director was Angus Taylor. Despite numerous requests for a royal commission, Mister Ed or Harry the Horse has repeatedly denied any allegations of malfeasance and claims relationships with the company were curtailed back in 2013 before entering parliament.

The omnibibulous Barnaby Joyce’s ludicrous attempts to clarify proceedings failed to disclose any of the financial beneficiaries but inadvertently implied a family trust was involved. The incoherent explanation resembled a handful of pakapoo tickets in a Canal Street opium den and merely generated escalating suspicion. The incumbent member for New England has a unique ability to slur words containing one syllable although nobody realised he was a booze hound until he unexpectedly turned up sober for work in the lower house. The former deputy prime minister has since defected to Pauline Hanson’s One Nation party.

Further extensive investigations through the Australian National Audit Office (ANAO) and the Australia Institute revealed many more water buyback scams using a similar modus operandi that amounted to at least $190 million. In February 2020, Scott Morrison’s government provided an additional $2 million to Eastern Australia Agriculture in an attempt to save the endangered Narran Lakes wetlands between Walgett and Brewarrina.

Many critics claim the ANAO investigation assessed administrative correctness rather than policy effectiveness, value or integrity risks. It was acknowledged as technically competent but far too narrow and failed to address several core issues that caused major public concerns.

Tweedledee

In May 2022, David Kelly Littleproud became leader of the National Party and has been the federal member for Maranoa since the 2016 federal election. During his tenure under Scott Morrison, he was appointed as water resources minister. The sinecure included administration of complaints and investigations into the Murray-Darling basin $80 million Watergate scandal.

John Douglas Norman is the cousin of David Littleproud’s former wife and was implicated in an elaborate scam that netted almost $20 million over seven years. It involved issuing falsified invoices relating to six water efficiency projects near Goondiwindi. In August 2018, the Norman Farming chief executive officer and his senior financial officer, Steve Evans were arrested and charged with water funding fraud following a police raid on the family farm back in October 2017. Following several years of complex legal bickering, John Douglas Norman was recently sentenced to 9.5 years in prison with a non-parole period of three years.

The mysterious Cayman Islands company investors remain anonymous and establishing whether the scheme provided any value and who were its major beneficiaries is still unresolved. An old aphorism claims you can take a horse to water but can’t make it drink although this bunch of amoral corporate crooks certainly quenched their ravenous maws. A crisis was turned into a lucrative opportunity by selling a virtual product at vastly inflated prices and two of the alleged protagonists were senior cabinet ministers under Scott Morrison.

Back in 1948 the firebrand Welsh politician Aneurin (Nye) Bevan described the UK Tory party as lower than vermin and proclaimed its governance was nothing more than organised spivvery. Integrity has no need of rules and the following lyrics from the late John Lennon resonate:

You can shine your shoes and wear a suit

You can comb your hair and look quite cute

You can hide your face behind a smile

One thing you can’t hide

Is when you’re crippled inside

 

You can wear a mask and paint your face

You can call yourself the human race

You can wear a collar and a tie

One thing you can’t hide

Is when you’re crippled inside

 

You can go to church and sing a hymn

You can judge me by the colour of my skin

You can live a lie until you die

One thing you can’t hide

Is when you’re crippled inside

– The lyrics of Crippled Inside by John Lennon from his 1971 album Imagine.