Raising a happy generation

Positive thinking is important, but so is hard work. 

I have three children and my main wish for them is that they grow up to be happy. The more I thought about happiness and how best to attain it, the more I wanted to hear other people’s views so I organised a series of informal focus group meetings for women aged between 30 and 45 to explore the topic. Some had children, some had partners and all of them had strong personal views on what made people happy. It was an eye-opening discussion. 

I began our conversation with a few simple questions:

·    What makes you happy?
·    Are most people in your circle happy?
·    How important is for you to be happy?
·    Is happiness an overrated and unattainable state most of the time?

We touched upon different theories of happiness, from ‘set-point’ theory which suggests that much of our happiness is genetically determined, to research by Dr Timothy Sharp, Prof Bruce Headey and others that argue that happiness is influenced by life choices and that people can learn to be optimistic if they are clear about their purpose in life. We also watched and discussed a video presentation by Matthieu Ricard, a biochemist turned Buddhist monk, speaking on the “habits of happiness”. 

It was exciting to see the dynamics of the group and hear the very different personal stories of these women. Our discussions were open, lively and illuminating and though, of course, they cannot be taken as a representative sample, many of their ideas resonated with me and I would like to share some of them on my blog.

We generally agreed that happiness is not linked to social status or money. Though socio-economic status is often seen as synonymous with happiness, research suggests that people are not happier in the developed, compared to the developing, world. The group felt that happiness was not necessarily linked to better standards of health care or social security. Instead, many felt that happiness was transient and linked naturally to hormonal changes, brain chemistry and a natural disposition towards positive thinking. One can be in a depressed state and still laugh at a joke. 

It was also argued that much of our modern anxiety is actually caused by our materialism and a sense of entitlement. One member recalled the telling contrast between two examples she recently came across. One was an ad plastered on a car proclaiming that “Happiness is a Bankwest Home Loan Account” and another was an Indian proverb: “I used to complain about having no shoes until I met a man without feet.”

An individual’s happiness may be linked to how secure they feel. People today have a much greater range of choice in their lives compared to the rigid social structures of the past. It was suggested that too much choice may cause insecurity, while a feeling of security gives people a sense of control over their own lives. Having a structure to life, leading a somewhat predictable day without it being boring and living in a way which means you can predict the outcomes of your actions all contribute to a positive state of mind.

The idea that people may be born in the right or wrong time for them was also raised. Where a person feels like they fit well into their time, they receive a sense of security and understanding of their world, which in turn leads to happiness.

Happiness is also about personal contentment. The importance of a person being engaged in a fulfilling activity on a daily basis, having one’s mind engaged in an activity that brings achievement, being involved in a community and contributing to something greater than just oneself were all cited as important factors. 

The group agreed that it was also important for people to feel cared for, as well as fulfil their need to care for others.

Unrealistic expectations of the realities of life can also breed unhappiness. Children are raised today to believe life should always be fair and that they should always win, but this can set them on the road to disappointment in later life as it fails to build personal resilience in the face of failure. 50% of all marriages end in divorce partly because our expectations of marriage are unreasonable. Couples often have double standards and expect more from their partner than they are willing to give. 

The group agreed that it was impossible to be happy all the time and that it was important to experience a range of emotions to be able to appreciate true happiness. To appreciate a positive state of mind, one must have experienced negative states as well. One of the participants observed that “One of the things that makes me happier is……..to complain”. Many people feel better once they vent their frustrations and air grievances and so offload or deal with their causes of unhappiness.

Opinions differed over whether it is possible to experience diametrically opposed emotions such as love and hatred simultaneously, or, to borrow Matthieu Ricard’s expression, “to shake hand and give a blow in the same gesture”. One participant believed that people are quite capable of harbouring such powerfully opposed emotions at the same moment in time. 

Another participant noted a link between unhappiness and creativity and how personal unhappiness was a great stimulus for amazing art. The group also discussed some anecdotal evidence showing that micro-surgeons and conductors were the happiest professionals in their respective industries, and why this may be so.

Interestingly, the famous self-help bestseller, “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne, was dismissed by one participant as a scam selling false hope. She believed its proponents missed the difficult step of working hard to attain what you want. Just believing in what you want is not enough.

One of the ideas that the group wanted to put forward for further consideration was the introduction of ‘positive thinking and mental health’ classes in schools to teach children how to cope with stress and build resilience.

We also agreed it was important to instill a sense of compassion in our children to ensure that, wherever their own search for personal happiness may take them, they always empathise with the misfortunes of others. 

Catherine Fritz-Kalish is co-founder and General Manager of Global Access Partners (GAP) – a proactive and influential network which initiates high-level discussions at the cutting edge of the most pressing commercial, social and global issues of today. Catherine’s broad business experience includes coordination of a number of international initiatives for the SME unit of the OECD (Organisation of Economic Cooperation and Development) at headquarters in Paris, marketing and brand management within all seven divisions of the George Weston Foods Group, and working within the TCG Group of Companies in the area of start-up incubator establishment.

0 Comments

1. 

   sally.rose

   September 13, 2011 at 6:48 am

   Hi Cat – as one of the people

   Hi Cat – as one of the people in the group I’d like to thank you for organising this.  Reading your blog I’m reminded of some of the interesting ground we covered.  Sure we didn’t find the answer to happiness over sandwiches, but then again Plato, Aristotle and various old blokes since have spent much more time on the question and not got much closer. But it was a great chance to just step back from the minutae of daily life and work and focus on one of the big important questions.  Plus it’s rare in the workplace to get the chance to talk to your collagues about their philosophies and values and it is an enriching thing to do.  Sal