Time for the Real You to Come Out

Clive Leach | May 28, 2010

Being authentic is based on the Greek notion of ‘eudaimonia’ which means to be true to one’s self and one’s values. Such self acceptance is recognised as an important contributor to psychological well-being and flourishing. Living authentically involves behaving in ways that are congruent with our experience, beliefs, thoughts, needs and preferences. By living authentically we are more likely to realise our true potential and purpose in life. We experience greater well-being through having increased levels of self-esteem, resilience and personal growth; more positive relationships with others; greater control and management within both our personal and professional lives.

 

As a young gay man in the late 70s I still recall the fear of being ‘found out’ and associated with the stereotypical ‘queer’ images of the day. Being afraid that once ‘found out’ no-one would ever relate to me the same again and I could abandon all hope of a happy future. The process of coming out was slow and sometimes painful. In the mid 80s I was warned it was best, as an educator of young people, to follow a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ strategy. I recall thinking 'at what point does not telling becoming lying?'

 

But I had the love and support of my family, my friends and my partner. I was lucky to work in an authority that valued diversity and I was eventually able to publicly advocate for the development and protection of services for gay and lesbian young people. In the late 90s I still vividly remember my heart thumping and taking a big gulp of breath when I came out to my new Chief Executive and senior management team colleagues in another less enlightened authority. I went on to act as the ‘Challenge Champion’ for LGB employees. Still scary sometimes yes, but living in fear, most definitely not.

 

However, despite an arguably greater acceptance and understanding of sexual orientation in society today,  it remains a fact that in both public and private sector workplaces many lesbian and gay people, some at very senior levels, still have an invisible social identity.

 

Recent research from Stonewall, the UK LGB Lobby group, cites that over 50% LGB employees remain hidden at work, driven in the main by fear of prejudice and discrimination. Up to 60% of ‘out’ LGB employees report experiences of  harassment including verbal, physical and property assault; denial of promotion and career advancement; incidents of unfair dismissal. This has a significant negative impact on the physical and psychological well-being of the individuals concerned and their potential career development. It also impacts negatively on the organisations for which they work through disengagement, lost productivity, higher staff turnover.

 

As a result of workplace prejudice LGB people often practice ‘passing’ or lying to pretend they are not gay at work – taking opposite sex friends to work functions and having separate social events for work and gay friends. Others of course, mindful of the wider stigma society has long attached to being lesbian or gay, have opted to enter in to long term heterosexual relationships and marriages, whilst maintaining the ‘secret’ or ‘double life’ so valued by the scandal hungry media. For any of these individuals such actions inevitably raise issues of about their honesty and integrity and they contribute to living in a climate of fear of being ‘found out’ that can result in significant distress, anxiety and depression.  

 

Of course we also know that this negative focus is only part of the picture.

 

The reality is that millions of LGB people are increasingly able to flourish both personally and professionally in the workplace. In the UK, the armed forces, key public sector agencies and leading national and multi-national private companies annually vie to enter the Stonewall Workplace Equality Index (WEI) top100 LGB employers. These proponents of both the social justice and the business cases for diversity cite the advantages of supporting the pro-active recruitment and retention of LGB employees. These include increased staff loyalty and commitment; better qualified staff; increased customer base, social reputation and brand enhancement; increased profit and outcomes; and a happier, more engaged and fulfilled workforce. In Australia the recently launched ‘Pride in Diversity’ Workplace Program has been similarly designed to assist Australian employers with the inclusion of LGB employees. It already has the support of organisations such as IBM, Lend Lease, KPMG, Australian Federal Police, Dept. of Defence, ING and TELSTRA.

 

As a coach, and someone who is coached, I believe that the application of evidence-based coaching within such diversity programs can be effective in helping LGB employees to develop their authenticity, their levels of self-acceptance and ultimately their management and leadership skills. Evidence-based coaching reflects the latest empirical research from the fields of positive psychology, adult learning, business and coaching. Such coaching can be of great support to people contemplating the pros and cons of coming out at work and help people to get a more realistic perspective of their perceived fears and the likely outcomes.

 

Coaching reminds us of ourselves at our best. It helps builds resilience by supporting people to shift people from negative and anxiety induced states of mind to ones which focus on strengths, potential and positivity. It also helps us to identify and make use of the protective factors around us, which can include diversity programs and initiatives. The focus is less on problems and what stops us and more on solutions and opportunities for growth. When people feel happy and relieved to be able to be themselves they are more hopeful, energetic and optimistic about the future. The benefits of such positive emotions are widely recognised. – increased psychological well-being and physical health; better attention, creativity and decision making; improved resilience; more positive relationships. Coaching can help people to focus on and strive towards the goals and solutions that take them to where we want to be rather than those which help them to just avoid the things they fear.

 

The ongoing sensationalist media coverage surrounding sexual orientation issues does not go unnoticed by young people. Sadly teachers report that homophobic bullying is the most frequent form reported in schools. 65% of young LGB young people say they have been victims of bullying and most believe that they don’t have anyone to talk to about it at either school or home. So there remains a great deal to be done and there is huge potential for coaching to impact within both educational institutions and workplaces.

 

Gay or straight, life is often scary but that doesn’t mean we have to live in fear. Strong, courageous and forward thinking people, such as those who embrace ‘Pride in Diversity’, who visibly advocate and support LGB initiatives will encourage others to be more authentic. This can lead to positive changes within institutions, organisations and the wider community.

 

There are many times in my life when I could have done with a coach. I’m grateful to finally have one now! I believe that evidence-based coaching can be an effective tool for us all to develop our resilience, to be our best possible selves and ultimately, to flourish.

 

Bibliography:

Green, S., Oades, L., & Grant, A.M. (2006). Cognitive-behavioural, solution-focused

life coaching: Enhancing goal striving, well-being and hope. The Journal of Positive Psychology. 1(3) 142-149

Ragins, B., Singh, R. & Cornwell, J. (2007). Making the Invisible Visible: Fear & Disclosure of Sexual Orientation at Work. Journal of Applied Psychology 92(4), 1103-1118.