... as I completely agree with you that becoming a father is a scary prospect in the society where fathers have become the economic pillar of family raising, while the society has been re-designed to accomodate for families with two incomes and human beings with superhuman capacities, and not much else ... Also, ask him to buy you a bunch, while you're at it ... (super)humanity goes both ways ... :).

tamara

Nick:

You say: “You're not the first generation to have children, in fact your very presence on this earth demonstrates that for three and a half billion years every ancestor you've had has managed to successfully reproduce without help or subisidy from a government ministry.”

Yes, Nick- but times have changed. Unlike our ancestors, we do not (fortunately, in my view!) have to hunt down our food and kill it in order to survive. We do not have to hide in caves from the elements and dress in furs. We have (hopefully) evolved on many levels as a human race- and accordingly, the relationship between parents and children also has to evolve. As a species we’ve moved beyond needing other people just for survival- we now need each other for personal development and growth.

As a long-time counsellor for troubled teens, I agree with your assertion that some of the parenting practices found at the moment are over the top and not useful for our children. Into this category I would include: overcommitting our children to structured activities (at the expense of psychologically important free-form play) and encasing our children in a “bubble” which does not allow them to learn from the natural process of cause-and-effect (thus creating future adults less able to face and deal with life’s inevitable disappointments). However, I would also add to this list the practice of just focusing on a child’s physical needs- and not fully engaging with our children on a deeper emotional level.

I would like to add a caveat here: there are still, unfortunately, many places on this earth and even in this country, where providing the basic “jelly on the table, a bike at christmas and to be let out of the house to go jump over streams with their friends” is the most that can be expected of the best of parenting. I’m talking about all those families who, for whatever reason, are living on or below the poverty line, with little or no access to family support, no or minimal income and few chances of breaking out of that cycle. The fact that there still exist families in these circumstances is part of the collective shame of our generations, and something we must continuously strive to address as a society. So, to make it clear, I am NOT talking about families in these circumstances.

I AM talking about families who are fortunate enough to have enough to eat, and a safe roof over their heads, access to education, an income, and so on. For these families, just providing the ‘basics’ is not enough anymore. We’ve moved beyond the “children should be seen and not heard” mentality, through the seeing of children as “miniature adults” with needs no different to those of the grown-ups, to an understanding of the importance of childhood for psychological development- and the critical role that parents play in creating psychologically healthy, mature adults.

There are 2 fast-growing areas of psychology at the moment, which feed into this debate of what is necessary for children’s psychological growth. One is the area of brain development - which tells us, basically, that the experiences a child has in his/her early development not only have a psychological impact, but they in fact have a neurological/ physical impact. Healthy, deep interaction with trusted adults as a child actually creates a different ‘wiring’ of the brain to those children who do not receive this interaction. The physical structure of the brain, and the neural connections within it, is directly affected by experiences in childhood.

The second growing area is that of Attachment Theory- which (again, very basically) says that our deep social interactions with ‘attachment figures’ (usually parents) influence our ability to form healthy relationships of all types in the future.

These are obviously VERY simplified summaries of very complex theories and research – but the basic thrust of it is this: parental relationships with children REALLY MATTER. They matter in the short term, and they matter in the long term. Don’t get me wrong- kids definitely also need to play with other kids! But the basis on which kids can build good relationships with other kids is very much influenced by their experience of a good relationship with their parents.

I understand that the often conflicting advice presented generally on child rearing can make many parents feel inadequate and can place undue stress on them- and I applaud any attempt to help parents regain a sense of themselves as ‘good enough’ parents. I also completely agree that parents need to take care of themselves- you have to BE healthy in order to RAISE healthy children.

However, I don’t think we can let parents completely off the hook either. As a society and as individuals, we are held accountable to what we know- and the more we know, the higher the bar to which we are accountable. For those families living beyond ‘survival’ mode, that means that our children deserve all the deep social engagement from parents that the parents (both parents!) can muster. And society needs to support this structurally (paid parental leave, fathers and mothers being respected in their need for flex time, etc) if we want the healthiest adults running the place in the future.